Tatay...

tatay is the father of my ex boyfriend...he treated me as one of his own children and introduced to his friends as one of his daugthers...he may not be an epitome of an ideal father but he was definitely a good one...he may not be expressive enough to say "i love you" to his children but he made sure we know he loves us in so many ways...he would wake up early to do the saturday marketing just to make sure that we will eat fresh veggies and fish at lunch time...he would wake up early on monday mornings just to bring us to the bus terminal...he loved cooking specially if he would cook for us...he was our worst critic simply because he knew that we can do better...he never run out of stories...everytime i'm home he has a story to tell...he neve run out of ideas...he could have been a good politician if given the chance...

tatay died of cancer 8 months after his operation...i saw him suffer the perils of his sickness...i felt his pain every time a needle was injected into his vein...i cried when i thought we would lose him days after his surgery...it pierced my heart when i want to ease his pain and can't do anything...seeing him suffer made me plead God to spare my own parents with cancer...

tatay touched my life in many ways...i will never forget him...and i will always be thankful to him for embracing me as member of his family...he will always hold a special place in my heart...

cious' blog

effective listening...this is the topic of my friend's blog. it is the process of paying attention to what the other party is saying (verbally and body language wise) and keeping it in mind...i was struck when i read that effective listening must be applied at all times specially in prayer ...prayer is suppose to be a conversation with God and not just a mere act of expressing all our wants and wishes. this leads me to ask myself ...do i really listen to what my Master is saying?...in my current struggles what is He trying to tell me?...do i refuse His message because i want to insist with what i want to hear?...if i really trust His Words that He will be with me all the way and no need to panic...but how come i worry too much?...how come i dwell on what ifs and what could have beens?...

Cious' blog made me look into myself once again and examine my relationships...with family and friends and with my Creator. it made me realized how insensitive i am at times...and that i have to practice effective listening all the time!

the wedding...

last weekend i attended an officemate's wedding...it was actually the first wedding that i have attended after my 7-year relationship ended. (dont want to attend weddings then...i might get too emotional and guests might think that im the bitter ex of the groom!!!). i was with my best buddies (and a new friend) and it was a 4-hr drive to cabanatuan...tiring but fun!...

the ceremony and picture taking lasted for almost 2 hours...(i guess the picture taking lasted longer than the ceremony)...seeing happy faces and teary eyed parents are common in all the weddings that i have attended...(i believe i will see happy faces and teary eyed parents in my wedding too!)...the food was sumptous (specially for hungry souls like us)!...and the fun and laughter doubled on our ride back to manila...everyone has a funny story to tell and a punchline to say!

i think weddings are like endorphins...it always trigger the release of a happy feeling no matter what angst and loneliness i have!...i'm just glad i attended that wedding...i was so happy it made me forget my worries even for a few hours!

coffee breaks

i love coffee coffee breaks for the following reasons...

1. coffee gives me a warm feeling when i feel lonely and sad
2. coffee awakens my mind and my coffee breaks give me time to think and reflect on life's concerns and blessings...how i live my life and how i love others
3. it relaxes my body and soul from the day's stress
4. coffee breaks with friends strengthen friendships...it gives me time to share some loving moments with them
5. it gives me time to reconnect with my God and have a chat with Him
6. it gives me time to be in touch with my inner being and know my self more...my strengths and weaknesses...
...see there's really more to coffee than the caffeine and aroma!

Lord...

i cast all my cares upon You...
i lay all of my burdens down at Your feet...
and every time i don't know what to do...
i will cast all my cares upon You...

lost

my 7 year and 7 month relationship ended late last year. he was my first boyfriend (and i thought my only one) and we were actually planning to tie the knot this year then it happened...BOOM!!!...it happened without a warning. it was a very painful break up...i was torn to pieces...i was (and still am) in pain...it seems like i was stabbed deeply several times...my confidence level crushed to the ground...i was asking myself what have i done to deserve this?...it was really hell. i grieved for 6 weeks...then i moved on (that's what i thought) i made new friends and dated...i was happy (i thought so).

then his father died and we met again...everything came rushing back...all the hurts...all the questions...all the memories of the past 7 years...then it hit me...i realized that i still love him...stupid but true...i know he doesnt deserve me...i deserve someone better...but i still love him...i know he loves me despite all his mishaps...but he is too scared to come back...too guilty to start anew with me...too afraid it might happen again...and i was too hurt to try again...too bruised to admit i still love him...too afraid it might happen again...we are too confused.

i dont know what will become of us...i want to move on and never look back...i want to start a new life...a life without him...perhaps a life with someone else...but i dont know how or where to start...i dont know...i'm lost...i'm still finding my way out of this bleak arena...i pray that i will find it soon...i dont want to be here...all i see is gray...my world is gray...i want to be out...i want to feel the wind again...smell the flowers once more...see bright colors...i want to be whole and happy again...and i want it soon...

can someone tell me the way out of this please?

random thoughts about life

i wonder why my life is complicated...or was it i who made it complicated??? Nah...i really don't know and i don't want to think about it...the more i think the more things become complicated. Maybe life doesnt need to be analyzed...maybe i just have to live it and enjoy it...but how i'm i suppose to enjoy life if i'm hurting and in pain?...(sigh!) i also dont know...maybe...i have to undergo the scourging before i can fully enjoy life or maybe God is telling me something (i just have to figure it out)...or maybe its destiny...i know i am strong...but why do i feel weak?...(sigh!) oh well...now im convinced i dont have to analyze life!

this is a text message from a friend...

My child,

I hear your prayers...
if I answer them it's because I'm increasing your faith.
if I delay them it's because I'm increasing your patience, endurance and perseverance
if I do not answer them...WAIT...I have something better for you
the BEST is always for you.

God

under the storm...

i am experiencing the tail end of the greatest storm of my life! i have been under this storm since september of last year. i thought the storm was already over by mid december...i didnt realized it was just gaining some strength for a sudden come back. when i was hit by its tail i didnt know what to do. no matter where i go and what i do im being hit...it hit me so much that it leaves me bruised and bleeding. i just hope and pray that it will leave soon...for i might not be able to take it and hold on any longer.

im just lucky and grateful that i was able to anchor my grounds tightly to God before the storm arrived. im holding on to God's promise that He is with me...and He will see me through...that He provides me with all the graces i need to survive this tremendous storm...its all i've got and its the only choice.

...so many broken dreams and crushed hopes
...so many regrets and heartaches
...so many fears and uncertainties
...so many what ifs and what could have beens
...so many questions but the answers are so few
...all i really know is i still love you

All this time...

All this time…
I thought I have already moved on
I thought I have cried enough
I thought I have totally left the past behind
I thought I have started a new life

All this time…
I thought all the hurts were gone
I thought all the wounds are almost healed
I thought all the questions were answered
I thought all the sleepless nights were over

All this time…
I thought I no longer long to see him
I thought I no longer hope for reconciliation
I thought I no longer wish for a happy ending
I thought I no longer want to go back

All this time…I thought I no longer love him

Until I saw him... I realized...

All this time…I was wrong