lost

my 7 year and 7 month relationship ended late last year. he was my first boyfriend (and i thought my only one) and we were actually planning to tie the knot this year then it happened...BOOM!!!...it happened without a warning. it was a very painful break up...i was torn to pieces...i was (and still am) in pain...it seems like i was stabbed deeply several times...my confidence level crushed to the ground...i was asking myself what have i done to deserve this?...it was really hell. i grieved for 6 weeks...then i moved on (that's what i thought) i made new friends and dated...i was happy (i thought so).

then his father died and we met again...everything came rushing back...all the hurts...all the questions...all the memories of the past 7 years...then it hit me...i realized that i still love him...stupid but true...i know he doesnt deserve me...i deserve someone better...but i still love him...i know he loves me despite all his mishaps...but he is too scared to come back...too guilty to start anew with me...too afraid it might happen again...and i was too hurt to try again...too bruised to admit i still love him...too afraid it might happen again...we are too confused.

i dont know what will become of us...i want to move on and never look back...i want to start a new life...a life without him...perhaps a life with someone else...but i dont know how or where to start...i dont know...i'm lost...i'm still finding my way out of this bleak arena...i pray that i will find it soon...i dont want to be here...all i see is gray...my world is gray...i want to be out...i want to feel the wind again...smell the flowers once more...see bright colors...i want to be whole and happy again...and i want it soon...

can someone tell me the way out of this please?